Treat your partner as if you just fell in love with her. How did you behave the last time you felt “the spark?” Be that person again, even if your partner is not.
Recall fondly and reminisce with her about all of the memories you have about when you first fell in love. Detail in a letter to her how you remember what she was wearing when you met, the places you went, the things you did, how it felt to touch her, and fill the letter up with all of the love you long to re-experience with her today.
Share your appreciations with her throughout the course of the day (without her knowing what you’re up to). On three different occasions each day, share random things for which you are grateful, or appreciate about her and your relationship. This could be a simple as, “Thank you for making time to have breakfast with me,” or “You look beautiful today,” or “It felt good to be greeted with a hug from you today.” Make sure she doesn’t know that it is your goal to do this consciously three times a day. While it may require your conscious effort to do this at three different times and when you say what you say, you must also mean it.
Talk at least 15 minutes a day, face to face, uninterrupted. Ask her questions that she isn’t expecting, that communicate more directly the message that “I want to know you.” Share with her more deeply than you have been, without the expectation that she respond a certain way. Let there be no rules in your mind about how she should respond if she loves you.
Initiate contact. If you have been sexless for a while and neither of you has initiated contact, begin flirting with her. Touch her more often. Offer to rub her back or feet. Slowly send her the message that you are interested in her. Behave as if you already feel what it is you wish to feel with her – even if you aren’t there yet. “But that’s dishonest,” you might be thinking. And to that I say – is it dishonest to work out even if you don’t want to? Is it dishonest to clean your house when you’d rather not? Your intention is true: to reconnect.
Plan a getaway. Many couples do better away from work and daily responsibilities. If you don’t have the funds for a full vacation, plan a day trip to a more local destination. Have fun. The spark lights faster when both of you feel relaxed and playful with one another.
Look for evidence that she does love you. You can look for evidence that she loves you, or you can look for evidence that she doesn’t. You are certain to find both, so decide today, now, that you will look only for evidence that she does love you. What do you stand to gain by searching for proof she doesn’t?
