By Bob Strauss
Feelings are like scissors: treated carefully and with respect, they can be used to perform useful functions, like fringing drapes, stringing together red paper hearts, and creating tasteful dioramas, but run with them down a crowded street screaming at the top of your lungs and somebody’s bound to get hurt. Study the following list of emotions — and how best to express them — carefully, so the next time your girlfriend wants an intimate chat you won’t turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.
Sadness. A blank, empty, incapacitating feeling that can be occasioned by everything from the death of a favorite pet to the Yankee’s performance in the ALCS. The appropriate way to express sadness to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of sad right now.” The inappropriate way to express sadness to your girlfriend: blasting Willie Nelson’s rendition of “Over the Rainbow” on the stereo as you lock yourself into the bathroom with a bottle of single-malt scotch.
Anger. An irritable, pent-up, explosive feeling, usually caused by a tough day at work or a clueless cable TV customer-service representative. The appropriate way to express anger to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of angry right now.” The inappropriate way to express anger to your girlfriend: emitting an unearthly howl, punching your fist through the wall, and wrapping a dish towel around your bloody hand as you jump screaming through the living-room window.
Fear. A sweaty, antsy, pulse-pounding feeling most often experienced by soldiers during wartime and guys who’ve just accidentally taped over the video of their wedding. The appropriate way to express fear to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of afraid right now.” The inappropriate way to express fear to your girlfriend: screeching “It’s hopeless, can’t you see! We’re all doomed! Doomed, I say!” and making a pup tent under the duvet covers.
Insecurity. A jittery, queasy, paranoid feeling, most commonly prompted by finding your girlfriend’s ex’s tie (or, for that matter, your girlfriend’s ex) sprawled carelessly under the bed. The appropriate way to express insecurity to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of insecure right now.” The inappropriate way to express insecurity to your girlfriend: waiting until she’s at work, then hacking her email account, emptying her closets, and hiding behind the front door so you can yell “Aha! Caught you!” at the mailman.
Happiness. A fleeting, unfamiliar, spine-tingling feeling, which (those who have experienced it will say) can be caused by simple pleasures, like watching the sunset, or more complicated ones, like jetting to Vegas with a half-million dollars in stolen cash. The appropriate way to express happiness to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of happy right now.” The inappropriate way to express happiness to your girlfriend: Giving her a bit, wet, sloppy kiss, slinging her over your shoulder, and taking her to the mall so she can max out your credit card.
Bob Strauss is a New York-based writer and author of The Big Book of What, How and Why. Email him your thoughts here.
