One of the most frequent questions I get is from one of the members of a couple who writes in asking about how to revive that couple’s love life. This is a question that pops up often enough and creates enough distress in relationships that it must be properly addressed. I will tackle specifics about reviving your sex life in later articles, but in this specific one, I will discuss whether or not a good sex life is important in a relationship, and if so, how important?
All relationships go through several stages. The first stage is lust. It is at this particular stage that sex is at its most frequent and exciting. There is an evolutionary reason for this. The urge for sex is the reason people couple up in the first place and eventually procreate. In essence, lust, or the intense urge for sex, is a necessity for survival. At this point, sex is usually pretty good, which is why these particular relationships are able to progress past the stage of lust and into the stage of romantic love. This stage lasts from 6 months to approximately 2 years. At this point, lust starts to taper off but sex is still frequent and exciting, although not as new and exciting as in the first stage. In this stage, the couple knows more about each other and their attraction develops from a mostly physical level to a deeper, core level. I have read several evolutionary biologists argue that this stage evolved in order for a baby to be born to and be raised in infancy by both parents.
Most intimacy problems arise for couples in the third stage, where romantic love evolves into a more mature love. It is at this stage where sex often starts to rapidly diminish in frequency. Both partners are very used to each other and feel like there is no spark, excitement or spontaneity in their relationship. Once excitement in the relationship wanes, it is often first felt and observed in the couple’s sex life. Here is where it becomes absolutely crucial to keep things fresh and fun and work as a couple to maintain a good sex life. In my research and observations, the demise of a couple’s sex life is a major contributor to the overall demise of the entire relationship. Once sex breaks down, communication and trust tend to follow. Even if both partners are still functioning well, a sexless relationship turns more into a brother-sister or roommate, rather than a lover dynamic, which is also the death knell of any relationship. In order for any romantic relationship to be successful, sexual tension must be present, or else that romantic relationship will devolve and disappear.
It is a cliche of a broken relationship whenever one of the partners turns toward their lover and says to themselves “I don’t even know this person anymore.” The main root of this kind of estrangement and alienation is the breakdown of the couple’s sexual relationship. When someone doesn’t recognize the lover they once had, it’s because the dynamic has changed- the dynamic from a sexual, romantic attraction to a disinterested, passive, familial dynamic.
