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1. Respect Differences.
2. Don’t take it personally.
3. Call off the pursuit. When we’re upset by a partner’s unavailability we may automatically go into “pursuit mode,” which only makes the problem worse. If you chase a distancer, he will distance more. Consider it a law of physics.
4. Lower your Intensity. Getting out of pursuit mode may mean ratcheting down your level of intensity, which includes loud, fast-paced speech, interrupting, over-talking and offering help, or giving advice that isn’t asked for.
5. Give space. If you’re in the habit of hovering or giving advice when he’s preparing dinner, folding laundry or putting the kids to sleep, go to a different room where you can’t observe what he’s doing. Don’t text or call him unless you need to.
6. Make a Date, Not a Diagnosis. When you want more connection, suggest an activity (“I hear there’s a new Italian restaurant—do you want to check it out this week?”) Refrain from diagnosing your partner (“I feel like you’ve shut down”) or the marriage (“We don’t really communicate anymore”) Instead of communicating about communication—talking about how you don’t talk—just try talking.
7. Pursue your Goals, Not Your PartnerWhat talents or hobbies might you want to develop? What are your work goals? What are your values about being a good sister, daughter, or Aunt? Do you want to make new friends or spend more time with old ones?
8. Try Out a New You! If you know you’re going to be pressing your partner for conversation if you stay home, go out with a friend. If you’re at the movies and you feel angry that he’s not taking your hand or acknowledging your presence, talk only about the film when you leave the theater, not about your hurt feelings.
9. Warm Your Partner’s Heart. Calling off the pursuit doesn’t mean distancing yourself or going into a cold withdrawal. Do the special things that you know will make him feel valued and special. Praise the specifics (“You were so funny at the party last night”) and dial down the criticism.
10. Be the One to Change First. Even the best marriages will get stuck in too much distance or too much intensity. Rather than staying on automatic pilot (that is, doing what you do naturally) be the one to change first.
Source Psychologytoday.com
