Many women are probably all-too-familiar with the rejection that comes with a lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Years can turn passionate couples into roommates, and the stress between work, family concerns and housework can turn sex into another chore versus a pleasure center.
And you’re not alone. Huffington Post reported, one of the top-searched Google inquires is ‘sexless marriage,’ according to data scientist Seth Stephen-Davidowitz.
In response, HuffPo compiled a list of things women who are suffering from a sexless marriage should know.
- It May Not Be You: Tammy Nelson, certified sexologist and sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want, says that women need to stop beating themselves up and blaming themselves for the problem. “Many times men stop initiating sex because they are stressed or they are experiencing some kind of erectile dysfunction and they’re too afraid to tell you. Men define their sexuality by their ability to perform and if they cannot achieve an erection upon demand they may withdraw. Keep being affectionate and let him know there is no pressure to get to the ‘finish line.’ Let him know you still want to cuddle and be close and then if you still want a ‘happy ending,’ well, frankly, you can take care of it yourself.”
- Understand That Sex Drives Naturally Wax & Wane: Robert Weiss, SVP of clinical development at Elements Behavioral Health explains that you have to accept the ebbs and flows of arousal. “Our libido often dips with age and in tandem with life stressors — juggling multiple jobs, kids, family, home and self care. That said, if several months have passed with no sex and it’s troubling you, the matter needs to be addressed. Sometimes, all you need to do is communicate. But there may be physical, psychological or marital issues that require work. If it turns out there is a physical issue — your over-40 husband is having trouble maintaining erections, for instance — a trip to the doctor can do wonders.”
- Get Your Spouse To A Doctor: Tammy adds that while women are looking to themselves for solutions, sometimes it’s their husband who has the issue. “If he has erectile dysfunction or the inability to get or maintain an erection, he may have prostate issues and it is important to get that checked out right away. Have him schedule an appointment with a urologist. Rule out any health problems before you begin talking about what could be happening emotionally. When you have ruled out cancer, his testosterone levels have been checked, and you have had discussions around his stress levels, then you can look deeper into your relationship.”
- Work With Your Spouse On Solving The Issue: Pepper Schwartz, certified sexologist, tells women that solving this issue requires cooperation from both partners. “If your spouse is not willing to see a sex or relationship therapist (alone or with you), it’s very telling. I recommend going to professional in almost all cases if either partner is still emotionally committed to their sexless marriage. But if your partner really doesn’t give a damn about you or the marriage and the two of you are just co-existing, then you really need to think about what you want the rest of your life to be like.”
- Make Time For Intimacy: For busy couples, this one may be a hard one to adjust to, but it’s necessary. Luckily, if you have two willing people who want to crank up the bedroom action, carving out alone time should be relatively easy. Robert Weiss adds, “A little romance never hurts. And yes, I am talking about toys, new positions, new places and unexpected romance within your relationship. Be intimate, share quiet moments where you simply look at each other, hold hands and talk about your feelings. Nothing, not even sex, is more intimate than having a compassionate partner who has your back. As for the sex itself, try mixing it up. Tell your spouse about your secret sexual fantasy, and ask if he or she is willing to try it. And then ask about your partner’s secret fantasy and offer to indulge it.”