Listen Live Graphics (Indy)

I’ve always heard from other parents and people that are familiar with young children that kids have a keen sense of the most embarrassing moments to show out. A full-blown meltdown will likely go down at church during prayer or at the grocery store checkout line as a parent fiddles around for coupons.

Then there’s the all too common blunt observation your child makes loudly when faced with an unusual mark or body condition of someone in a crowded elevator. There are a few times my little man[iac] has caught me out there. There was his self-groping in front of two women, “Potatogate” when he staged a solo sit-in because he had to have two potatoes he adored and most recently “Liam vs. Gravity.”

As Liam is developing his fine motor skills, he’s been experimenting with and has become obsessed with balancing things. The only problem is that he’s yet to understand the basic laws of physics. Liam’s favorite activity is trying to balance things on drinking straws and no object works out as planned. When a toy falls off the straw, it’s soul-crushing and my son puts on the most dramatic performance seen since Angela Bassett as Katherine Jackson in The Jacksons movie caught her husband Joe cheating.

The boy is hilarious. He cries, stops to watch a commercial he likes and then cries again. There are collapses onto the floor and against walls, rolling around on the floor as if in agony with breaks to yawn or play with a toy. It was no surprise when he decided to give his balancing skills a shot while we picked up a few things from the store.

Alas, there was an old onion that was literally growing another onion in the corner of a cardboard box where the rest of the non-sprouting onions were. Liam had found his new pet and after prying his tiny fingers from around it to put it back, he went into theater mode. It was like someone had told him that Mickey Mouse was found in a glue trap.

Can’t Take You Nowhere  was originally published on

1 2Next page »